Why?

Why do I still think of him? Why can I not let go of the past? He is so far away and yet so near in many ways...

I have been meaning to return what is rightfully his, but yet I cannot. Is it because it is the last bit of him I have? I do not know...still his treasure sits in the box it came in nearly five years ago. I look at it every once in a while and I am not sure what I feel.

I try to make myself believe I hate him but its just one big lie and I know it. Most of the time I blame everything on him. It works both ways. In essence it is equally my fault, if not more...

Ugh...I feel stupid typing all of this depressing shit.

Corbeau

I am such a fool. Why is it that I get so excited when things are going well for me? It never works out in the end. It is the same this time. I will not be getting the new job I was told was mine. Today I received a phone call from my ex-future employer. Because my mother works there I am not allowed to work there. WTF? One of the reasons I was hired was because of my mother and now some fucked up rule says I cannot work there because of it...

Now I have to tell everyone the fucked up story and I have to remain at the diner. I was so hoping to be out of there. My employers have been very good to me, but I do not want to be there for the rest of my life like the rest of the staff.

I knew it was too good to be true. This ALWAYS happens. The past 20 years of my life have been shit. I have a family who is only there when they want to be. I gave my heart and soul to a man who told me he loved me and yet he did not love me enough to see me. Instead he sits with true love of his life: freaking video games! He entered my life 5 years ago but I cannot get him out of my mind. For someone who loved me so very much, how is that he made me feel so completely worthless?? Fuck him. I will never see him for he is miles upon miles away stuck in front of his xbox, and now I have someone who really loves me. Its just so hard to give him my full attention sometimes because of my messed up head.

Ugh...just got to keep my chin up I guess. I do not want to be worthless. I got another 50 or 60 years to make life better. Lets see how that works...

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One good thing that always stems from my depression is that it gets me motivated to create some art. I drew the rough for my next installment of the "Bird Ballerinas", The Raven:
(To be done in acrylic on canvas)

Achats

Books books and more books! About a week or so ago I traveled with my boyfriend and some of our friends to Borders. My eyes light up looking at all the pretty books and other trinkets littered throughout the store. I could spend all day between the aisles looking at this, and buying that. Most often I buy books about the occult, but lately I have been buying a lot of sketch books and journals. Here are two lined journals that I bought. The first will be used for stories and the second will chronicle my Sword Tag adventures:

Meh...I wish I had a better camera than just my crappy phone camera. These books are actually very beautiful and were only about $7 each! Yay for clearance racks. I really am a cheap person haha. Why spend so much money when you can find good bargains if you just have a little patience? Again, perhaps I should not be spending money on such things because I know have a car and have to start paying back my student loans, but buying books should not make me feel guilty. With my new job I will be making more money though. Perhaps I should not get ahead of myself....

Meurtri genou

Whilst taking my weekly bubble bath, I ended up bruising my knee! I had picked up the shave gel, but since my hands were wet it slipped right out and down on to my knobby knees, cutting me. The cut was miner but oh boy is that going to be a bad bruise!

A few days ago I had written a post about how I hated myself so. At this moment I am still not very fond of myself but I do like myself a little bit more. Last Friday I found out that I have gotten the new job I was hoping to get! I will be starting sometime in mid-March. Because of all the hours I will be taking, I will have to leave my job at the diner. I have a lot of fond memories and A LOT of not so good memories, but I will surely miss that place. Nearly 5 years of working there is long enough however. Working there I would not be able to progress. Once I work full time at my new job I will be able to get all kinds of nice benefits!

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I am really annoyed with myself. There are tons of art projects inside my head that I wish to get down on paper, but for some reason I just do not draw. Instead I spend too many hours sleeping or admiring others art. Where has my motivation gone?!?!?!?!?!

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After many years of thinking that my head was much more like a circle, it appears that it is much more shaped like an egg. Awesome, I am an egg head OTL! Silly me always forgets to look ahead instead of down at the camera. My hair is pulled up because I was busy working on my makeup. Did you notice my very red hands? They are always so cold....ugh.

La misère

Some days it is very easy to hate ones self. Today is one of those days. I hate myself so much. I hate that I am scared to drive, I hate that I am 20 and have accomplished nothing, I hate that I am poor, I hate my lack of drive, I hate my laziness, I hate my face, I hate my body, I hate my thoughts, I hate my heart, I hate my art, I hate my desires, I hate my feelings, ...I hate everything about me. Why is it then I do not try to change these things...?

Je tiens à disparaître...

Crainte

As of yesterday evening I became a owner of a car. I imagine I should of had my license and a car when I first turned 16 but I seriously HATE driving. My temperature increases by ten degrees when I sit behind the wheel and I become very nervous. My driving is very defensive and safe but I am very fearful of other drivers.

Being scared to drive has made many things difficult for me. Getting to school and work is sometimes difficult. Trying to find a 2nd/better job is also a challenge. There are not many jobs in town and I am not really interested in working in another restaurant. Recently I did apply at the nursing home my mother works at. Today they looked over most of the applications. I guess they will call me within the week to tell me on whether or not they wish to interview me. I shall keep my fingers crossed. May the Goddess grant me luck!

Recently I have been listening to Angela again. She is one of my favorite Japanese artists though she is not very well known. I first discovered her music through the anime "Ucho no Stellvia" or "Stellvia of the Universe". It is a wonderful anime about a 16 year old girl (a genius in fact!) who goes to school in space. She meets lots of friends and a foe or two and ends up saving the world from aliens, hehe. It is perhaps my favorite anime.

If I am not listening to Japanese pop or Korean pop I am enchanted by classical. I have always liked those genres but it seems that is all I listen to now a days. My violin is sitting up stairs and I wish so much to play her. If only I could afford lessons...Alas, I imagine I will have to teach myself. Oh boy...

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On January 30th Chris and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary. We had slept in which was rather nice. We had planned on having Hibachi for dinner at Teppan Hibachi Steakhouse. We could of went to Ichiban which is closer, but it does not offer swordfish. I LOVE swordfish and now Chris is a fan too! However, before we had dinner we had to have lunch. We ended up at Olive Garden for their soup and salad. While the Zuppa Toscana is Christopher's favorite, the Chicken & Gnocchi is mine. So creamy and yummy!

After lunch we decided to see a movie. I really wanted to see Black Swan. Even though I told Chris it was more of a psychological movie then a chick flick, he still did not want to see it. So we ended up seeing The Rite. Though it was sort of slow in a lot of parts I thought it was an alright movie. Have to love demons and such! Also...I have a HUGE crush on Anthony Hopkins. He is a very sexy man for being 73! Such a talented man even Queen Elizabeth II noticed and knighted him.

Ahhh...dinner was so good. I did not get the name of the man who prepared our food but he was really comical. His voice had me laughing on its own. I don't want to sound rude...but he honestly sounded like the stereotypical gay guy (with an Asian accent!). He prepared my swordfish perfectly though and the whole dinner was rather wonderful. However, there was one thing that was not so great.

We had been seated next to a larger group of people. That really did not bother me until I noticed that the one woman was a complete GRUMP! She did not want to catch the piece of vegetable in her mouth and scoffed at all of those who did. When she received her meal she realized it had been made with garlic. Instead of asking politely if the chef could remake it she threw her fork down and crossed her arms like a child. It was ridiculous. She must have been in her mid 50s but I swear I have seen children as young as 3 behave better than her!

Anyways...after a long day with my love we just wanted to go home and relax. We spent some more quality time together when we got home before going to bed. My year with him had been very good. Sometimes I don't think he really gets me or understands some of the things I like (I can see how that is difficult!), but I can see he tries to accept them. I was happy as I cuddled with him. He said he loved me. Even after a year I still find it difficult to believe he does love me. He often tells me "I love you", but never has he said "I am IN love with you". Perhaps it is just me but I believe there is a difference. Most days I just don't really see it in his eyes.

My problem is that I also live in a romantic dream world. I want a man who writes me poems and stories, makes me little trinkets, and holds me tightly as though afraid to lose me. I want everything besides the white horse. They just cost far too much to maintain haha. I do want a castle though! :P

I can hear the sleet bouncing off the window. That will make me fall asleep rather quickly. Off to dream land...