Je souhaite

Pour quitter cet endroit...

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PS. If I was the lucky girl to get the Forever21 top, I would love to pair it with jean shorts/jean skirt with black leggings and cute ankle booties. You could even throw on a light cardigan over it for on the go!

Où avez-vous disparu?

Fall has finally arrived but it seems like it is leaving so suddenly as well. The leaves never got a chance to become the beautiful reds, oranges, and yellows that I remember them to be. I awoke to them having browned and fallen. Even the season air is more like winter than fall here. The bitter wind chills and aches your bones and leaves my fingers numb. Each morning I also smell the frost hanging in the air. These things I do so love, but they have come far too early for my liking...

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Months...maybe even a year has passed since I have produced any decent art. It really dampens my spirits even more which is no good because that is the reason I have not been able to draw/paint anything. It would perhaps be easier if I had my own place, work space, and quiet time. However, I am not sure when I will have those things. I am trying to save my money but it is so hard when I have so many things to worry about and not sure which is most important.

Things to save for:

1. Own apartment

2. Next college semester

3. Fix car or get a new one

UGH! Then there is also the holiday season coming up AND tons of birthdays. My family expects to get nice presents to. No one knows what "quality family time" is anymore. It is just "I want this so get me it or I won't talk to you for awhile". It is the worst feeling in the world knowing you cannot get everything you want to get your family. But they expect nothing less.

I used to love this time of year. The food, music, decorations, and overall atmosphere. Now all I feel in the air is greed, disappointment, restlessness, and unhappiness. It would be wonderful to remove that but I just do not know how to do so with the type of "family" I have. They have not really spoken to me much though in the past year and a half so perhaps it will be a quite Christmas after all...

Hmm...I almost forgot that it is my birthday on the 14th. I will be one and twenty then. I guess most young people are excited for that day. Since I do not drink it seems like just a regular day to me. My boyfriend wants to see me drunk however. He plans on getting this very strong Colombian alcohol for me to try. I think I will try it but I really do not plan on getting drunk. This will disappoint him. It scares me though. I have heard too many horror stories to want to do that. Could someone tell me what is so fun about waking up with a massive headache and not be able to remember the previous nights events? I would rather not indulge in that, thank you.

On my birthday my boyfriend will be at work until late into the evening so I will have most of my day to myself. I am going to try to draw something within that free time. Having not drawn anything has been making me feel so broken. I must draw something even if it is later than sooner for it feels as though it is slowly killing me...

Un tout est passé

It seems that as soon as I am in the mood to blog at least relatively often, something happens so that I am unable to do so! There is no internet in the house yet and as hard as I try to "borrow" wifi to no avail. Currently I am using a computer in my college library and it is oh so quiet here since it is rather late in the day.

Oh how I love the quiet <3

My love is sitting in front of a computer that is next to mine. He is blogging away just as I am. That is something I am proud to say I have gotten him into. He is quite a good writer and though his entries are private to the world, I am happy he shares them with me. It is a really good feeling to be able to share anything and everything with someone and not feel bad or embarrassed by it. In fact just this morning I had a VERY embarrassing moment (no I shall not share what it was!), and though my love laughed at me I knew it was because somehow in his strange mind he thought I was cute! My cheeks flushed red but soon after the event happened I got to laugh at one of his embarrassing moments. Sadly, I am the one who ends up doing embarrassing stuff all the time hehe...

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Anywho...it is quite interesting living in a house with 10 and 14 year old boys. I have found it quite difficult to sleep for they stay up till perhaps 4 in the morning and are rather loud even when settling in for bed. The 1o year old does care for me a bit and I him. He asks so many question and has the loveliest eye lashes I have ever seen! As for the 14 year old, well it is hard to say what the feelings are there.

He often will not address me and if he does it is normally by "faggot" or some other demeaning term. I understand that at times he is trying to be funny and playful, but other times he is just being plane mean. I believe the reason he picks on me so often is because I have "stolen" his older brother away from him. Before I came along all they had was each other. Now it appears I have thrown a wrench into the gears. I just try to be as nice as I can and hope that one day he will understand things better and treat me more nicely.

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As for my art....what art?!!?!?! UGH V.V I have been unable to draw for sometime now because of lack of a decent table and quite area to draw or paint. I really must save up my pennies to get my own place. Only then will I become focused, calm, and creative.

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May you all be well.

Nouveau départ

My oh my, it has been sometime since I last updated this blog. I guess I decided to finally brush away the cobwebs and finally post about

what I have been up to.

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A few months ago I ended a relationship that wasn't right for me. To my surprise I found a new person to care for my heart right away. I had wanted to remain single for a while or even try dating a woman (one lovely one in particular). However, before I knew it my heart had been stolen right out of my chest in the midst of darkness one magical evening.

My lover is very much like me in many ways and I absolutely love that. Does that make me narcissistic, I wonder? Obviously two people need to have some common interests, but is there such a thing as having too many similar interests? I guess only time will tell.

Anywho....He is everything I have ever wanted/needed. I thought it was impossible for a person to ever fully understand another, but he has proven that thought to be wrong time and time again. He is perfect in the sense that he was made for me and I for him. Normally I would feel foolish about talking of "soul mates" especially so soon, but I don't feel foolish at all. I know my future is finally a bright one!

(My love, Brian, and myself in the middle of a private lake)

Any who... Brian and I have been together since the end of April 29th of this year and our fondness for each other grows each day. He is the only person who can match my "crazy" and I his. Another plus is that I get along very well with his family. I was expecting that to be quite difficult honestly because his family is Colombian, and the majority speaks mostly Spanish. It seems I have to brush up on my Spanish. So far I have a few things down. Most of it has to do with food though haha, I am such a fatty ( on the inside).

Finally with Brian I have found the motivation to do what needs to be done in order for me to succeed. I am finally driving more these past few months. Still not a huge fan of driving, but I know it must be done. I have also bought myself some health insurance. Have been meaning to go to the dentist as of late and it is awesome that I will not have to shovel out a huge chunk of change. Gotta continue to save for college classes!

This will also be the last week that I am living in Palmerton. My mother has decided to move in with her new man and though I am welcome there I do not feel comfortable living there. Nor do I wish to travel an hour to work.

Speaking of work...I got the job I was hoping to get! I had tried once before to gain employment there but due to a discrepancy I was not able to work. However, after trying again I have confirmed that I will begin working as a personal care aide in the city. That is so wonderful because I will now be living in the city. It will take me about 10 minutes to get to work everyday. I am also going to try and keep my job at the diner for a while yet. I need to make and save as much money as I can so that I can afford my own place. Don't really need anything fancy. Just a place to call my own that will not cost me an arm or a leg! Of

course I will have an Asian themed bedroom. I want to kotatsu so badly to keep my feets warm :3 !

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I do hope that this new job and these new adventures will motivate me to draw and write more. I have really disappointed myself in the past few years with my art. Just need to try harder. I shall not give up!

Fuck

So two weeks ago I became single (my own decision).

I had wanted this for a long time. Not having to worry about hurting your partner, not worry about being controlled, never having to feel guilty.

Just good old freedom. Time to figure out who I really am.

I really needed it after so many years of not being able to do for me.
But now there is an issue with my new found freedom.

My heart has attached itself to someone new already.

FUCK YOU HEART!

This is not what I wanted....

Story of the Stars

Just an OLD story I wrote that I fixed up a bit to submit to a magazine. I am definitely not a good writer but I thought I would share.

Story of the Stars

Luna, the goddess of the moon and night sky, was forever sad and lonely as she sat upon her moon. She sat amidst the vast evening sky and wondered why she had to be so alone. None of the other gods ever visited her. They were resting now and would not wake until Apollo drew the sun into the sky. Then Luna would travel to the other side of the earth, to be alone once again.

The moon goddess began to weep. Thousands of her tears showered softly down to the earth below. Luna’s voice of sadness was swept away in the wind. Her cry just so happened to reach someone.

Eyvind, a handsome mortal man, lay among the grass and flowers. He awoke to feel Luna’s tears upon his cheek and to her ethereal voice that called out in the night. Eyvind stood up and called to the goddess. “Greatest beauty, please do not weep. I shall be your friend. I lay awake at night to gaze up the splendor of you and your throne. You are the only brightness in the dark night. I am but a man, yet I love you great Lady of the Moon!”

Luna became so happy that the rain instantly stopped and the wind started singing a most beautiful tune. The Lady of the Moon was about to about to share her love for the mortal man but the sun was just appearing from the east. Thus she was unable to tell Eyvind of her love for him.

Apollo drew his sun into the sky and called out to Luna in great rage and jealously. “You cannot love a mortal man! What can he do for you? You should give yourself to a great god such as I. I can bring you the brightest light!” shouted Apollo triumphantly. “If you speak those three words to him…I shall kill him.”

Luna was so frightened she flew her throne to the other side of the world, taking the night with her. A new and tremendously hot day had just begun. A heartbroken Eyvind fled into the forest to hide from Apollo’s laughter and the rays of the sun. Apollo made the sun grow brighter than any other day to impress Luna and to make mortals suffer.

Once again Luna was weeping, but now her tears pounded the earth. Her loud wails caused the sky to roar and trees to fall. Her tears streamed down into a small lake just below her. This disturbed a beautiful nymph resting there.

Senea lifted her head from the dark waters to peer up at the sad goddess. “Please great Lady of the Moon, do not weep. What is it that troubles you?” spoke the nymph softly. Luna looked up for just a second before she began weeping again. She barely managed to speak. “I have found love in a mortal man, but if I tell him of my love Apollo shall kill him!” Luna cried loudly.

“Oh my lady, that is very unfortunate. The brute Apollo had me under the very same rule. Yet I still managed to show my mortal man my love for him without speaking those words. I made beautiful plants and all of the creatures in the lake for him. Thus I was able to show my love for him and he was able to keep his life. You will think of something Luna!” said Senea just before her head sank below the dark waters once again.

Luna kept thinking about what the nymph had said. What could she make for Eyvind? She wished to show him how much she cared for him and with the sun setting; she would soon get her chance.

Apollo laughed at the mortals complaints of the heat and finally drove his great chariot away, giving them much needed relief from the sun. Luna now made it to the spot where Eyvind had spent many nights gazing up at her. There, Eyvind lay among the burnt grasses and the charred flowers with the entire world’s sadness in his eyes. He did not even look up at Luna or her moon.

Luna knew what she wanted to say but she also knew she couldn’t. She began to sing softly. The winds joined her and together they made the most beautiful song that ever reached a person’s ear. Suddenly the sky began to brighten, but this time it was not the sun. Thousands upon thousands of tiny jewel like objects began to fill the sky. Some were bigger than others and brighter as well. Their brightness reflected off the grass, catching Eyvind’s attention, forcing him to look up. He could not believe how beautiful the sky had become.

“Eyvind…my dearest Eyvind, though I can never be with you or tell you how I feel, I have created a gift for you to show you how special you are to me. When night comes just look to the sky and I and these jewels will forever be guarding over you and your family. Pass this great story of love to your children so they may pass it onto their own, lest you forget about the Lady of the Moon.”

Nouveau et magnifique

It seems no matter how beautiful a woman is, she is ALWAYS self-conscious about something. Whether it is her skin, hair, height, or weight, there is always some "flaw" that bothers her. For me I am mostly self-conscious about my intellect and many other mental aspects of myself. However, of course there are some physical things that I dislike about myself too.

For a at least five years I have been disappointed with the size of my chest. Within the last couple of years however they seem to have grown to fit my body. Still I would like my chest to be a little bit bigger so I appear more womanly. Thoughts of cosmetic surgery have entered my mind but I do not believe them to be serious thoughts. Id probably end up with a third breast or something!!! Perhaps if I have children my chest might expand a little bit, anyways. In the case that it does not, I will not be all that upset. My chest is rather proportionate to my small frame, but again, curves are lovely!

Another thing that bothers me greatly is my skin. I do not have terrible acne on my face, but it always seems that when I get rid of one pimple another pops up else where! Because I am so pale I also tend to get a lot of redness in my face. Soooooo....I have been looking around the past couple months to see if I could find any anti-acne products that would work for me. Looking at review after review, I finally decided to try out the AcneFree Sever to Clear System.


Again, I do NOT have sever acne but reviews said this product is gentle enough for mild blemishes. I was able to purchase this system at Wal*Mart for $25. I feel that is a good price. It is way cheaper than proactive and it will last me for at least 4 months (I hope haha). Any who, I started using this product and noticed results almost immediately! On day 3 I saw that my face already lost a lot of its redness and my blemishes diminished in size. It is a really easy system to follow and the ingredients do not burn your skin. I recommend this product for anyone with mild-severe acne and all skin types. However, we must keep in mind that everyone's biological makeup is different and something that works for one person may not work for another. Still, it won't hurt to give things a try!

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One more thing that I MAJORLY DISLIKE about my body is...hair. Evil evil hair! I am making myself out to sound like a gorilla but it really is not that bad I swear haha! It just seems that whenever I shave my legs, there is already growth by the next day. That means I have to shave my legs every other day just so I don't gross myself out, let alone others.

I have tried all sorts of shavers for women, shavers made for men, and even some "gel hair removers". The shavers made for women just plain old SUCK. I find that the shavers made for men are a lot better but still they do not last long. I have tried Nair products as well. DUMBEST IDEA EVER! They smell, they burn, make your legs red and itchy, and plain old DON'T WORK FOR SHIT! Waxing was a pain too. Literally. It always takes off the first layer of skin and just leaves your legs looking awful and vulnerable.

However, I no longer have to worry about all of that terrible stuff now. About a month ago I heard about a wonderful little thing called an epilator. Epilators are small hand held devices that look almost like an electric shaver, but instead of razors it has dozens of little tweezers instead. Just like a regular set of tweezers, the epilator plucks the hair from the skin, leaving the area
nice and smooth. Many epilators are said to stop hair growth for up to four weeks.

I purchased the epilator pictured below. Since there are 40 tweezers on the head of this little guy, I was a bit nervous about whether or not it would be painful. So instead of jumping right into things, I epilated? a small area on my arm. The feeling was not exactly pleasant but it did not hurt much either. It was a bit scary though because the epilator sounds like a lawn mower! Yet it did not hurt. It just felt odd but I was comfortable enough to use it on my legs. The only time it hurt was when I got close to behind the knee. Since the area is so sensitive I had to be careful and quick about my movements.


















The internet says you can use the epilator on your legs, arms, underarms, bikini line, and even on your face. I cannot imagine someone putting one of those things near their face, but hey, whatever floats your hoagie.

Anyways, I epilated a week ago and my legs are STILL hairless and soft. It cost me $60 for the system but I feel it is well worth it. I will be saving a lot of money since I do not have to by tons and tons of disposable razors anymore. The device is also supposed to last for many years .

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This blog post makes me sound like I worry too much about my looks. I do worry to certain extent but I do not feel I am obsessed with looking beautiful. Many days I barely run a brush through my hair and completely ignore putting on makeup. Yet other days I would like to feel nice about myself. People also seem to respect you more if you respect yourself and take care of your body.

Ugh...I have typed too much haha. I don't think anyone really reads my blog and those that do will probably not find this post to be interesting. Oh wells! Tis 2:30 in the morning and I think it is perhaps time for me to get of the computer. I think I am in the mood to write some poetry. The past couple of nights She has been on on my mind and I feel compelled to write of her beauty and power. That is what I shall now do...

Why?

Why do I still think of him? Why can I not let go of the past? He is so far away and yet so near in many ways...

I have been meaning to return what is rightfully his, but yet I cannot. Is it because it is the last bit of him I have? I do not know...still his treasure sits in the box it came in nearly five years ago. I look at it every once in a while and I am not sure what I feel.

I try to make myself believe I hate him but its just one big lie and I know it. Most of the time I blame everything on him. It works both ways. In essence it is equally my fault, if not more...

Ugh...I feel stupid typing all of this depressing shit.

Corbeau

I am such a fool. Why is it that I get so excited when things are going well for me? It never works out in the end. It is the same this time. I will not be getting the new job I was told was mine. Today I received a phone call from my ex-future employer. Because my mother works there I am not allowed to work there. WTF? One of the reasons I was hired was because of my mother and now some fucked up rule says I cannot work there because of it...

Now I have to tell everyone the fucked up story and I have to remain at the diner. I was so hoping to be out of there. My employers have been very good to me, but I do not want to be there for the rest of my life like the rest of the staff.

I knew it was too good to be true. This ALWAYS happens. The past 20 years of my life have been shit. I have a family who is only there when they want to be. I gave my heart and soul to a man who told me he loved me and yet he did not love me enough to see me. Instead he sits with true love of his life: freaking video games! He entered my life 5 years ago but I cannot get him out of my mind. For someone who loved me so very much, how is that he made me feel so completely worthless?? Fuck him. I will never see him for he is miles upon miles away stuck in front of his xbox, and now I have someone who really loves me. Its just so hard to give him my full attention sometimes because of my messed up head.

Ugh...just got to keep my chin up I guess. I do not want to be worthless. I got another 50 or 60 years to make life better. Lets see how that works...

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One good thing that always stems from my depression is that it gets me motivated to create some art. I drew the rough for my next installment of the "Bird Ballerinas", The Raven:
(To be done in acrylic on canvas)

Achats

Books books and more books! About a week or so ago I traveled with my boyfriend and some of our friends to Borders. My eyes light up looking at all the pretty books and other trinkets littered throughout the store. I could spend all day between the aisles looking at this, and buying that. Most often I buy books about the occult, but lately I have been buying a lot of sketch books and journals. Here are two lined journals that I bought. The first will be used for stories and the second will chronicle my Sword Tag adventures:

Meh...I wish I had a better camera than just my crappy phone camera. These books are actually very beautiful and were only about $7 each! Yay for clearance racks. I really am a cheap person haha. Why spend so much money when you can find good bargains if you just have a little patience? Again, perhaps I should not be spending money on such things because I know have a car and have to start paying back my student loans, but buying books should not make me feel guilty. With my new job I will be making more money though. Perhaps I should not get ahead of myself....

Meurtri genou

Whilst taking my weekly bubble bath, I ended up bruising my knee! I had picked up the shave gel, but since my hands were wet it slipped right out and down on to my knobby knees, cutting me. The cut was miner but oh boy is that going to be a bad bruise!

A few days ago I had written a post about how I hated myself so. At this moment I am still not very fond of myself but I do like myself a little bit more. Last Friday I found out that I have gotten the new job I was hoping to get! I will be starting sometime in mid-March. Because of all the hours I will be taking, I will have to leave my job at the diner. I have a lot of fond memories and A LOT of not so good memories, but I will surely miss that place. Nearly 5 years of working there is long enough however. Working there I would not be able to progress. Once I work full time at my new job I will be able to get all kinds of nice benefits!

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I am really annoyed with myself. There are tons of art projects inside my head that I wish to get down on paper, but for some reason I just do not draw. Instead I spend too many hours sleeping or admiring others art. Where has my motivation gone?!?!?!?!?!

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After many years of thinking that my head was much more like a circle, it appears that it is much more shaped like an egg. Awesome, I am an egg head OTL! Silly me always forgets to look ahead instead of down at the camera. My hair is pulled up because I was busy working on my makeup. Did you notice my very red hands? They are always so cold....ugh.

La misère

Some days it is very easy to hate ones self. Today is one of those days. I hate myself so much. I hate that I am scared to drive, I hate that I am 20 and have accomplished nothing, I hate that I am poor, I hate my lack of drive, I hate my laziness, I hate my face, I hate my body, I hate my thoughts, I hate my heart, I hate my art, I hate my desires, I hate my feelings, ...I hate everything about me. Why is it then I do not try to change these things...?

Je tiens à disparaître...

Crainte

As of yesterday evening I became a owner of a car. I imagine I should of had my license and a car when I first turned 16 but I seriously HATE driving. My temperature increases by ten degrees when I sit behind the wheel and I become very nervous. My driving is very defensive and safe but I am very fearful of other drivers.

Being scared to drive has made many things difficult for me. Getting to school and work is sometimes difficult. Trying to find a 2nd/better job is also a challenge. There are not many jobs in town and I am not really interested in working in another restaurant. Recently I did apply at the nursing home my mother works at. Today they looked over most of the applications. I guess they will call me within the week to tell me on whether or not they wish to interview me. I shall keep my fingers crossed. May the Goddess grant me luck!

Recently I have been listening to Angela again. She is one of my favorite Japanese artists though she is not very well known. I first discovered her music through the anime "Ucho no Stellvia" or "Stellvia of the Universe". It is a wonderful anime about a 16 year old girl (a genius in fact!) who goes to school in space. She meets lots of friends and a foe or two and ends up saving the world from aliens, hehe. It is perhaps my favorite anime.

If I am not listening to Japanese pop or Korean pop I am enchanted by classical. I have always liked those genres but it seems that is all I listen to now a days. My violin is sitting up stairs and I wish so much to play her. If only I could afford lessons...Alas, I imagine I will have to teach myself. Oh boy...

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On January 30th Chris and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary. We had slept in which was rather nice. We had planned on having Hibachi for dinner at Teppan Hibachi Steakhouse. We could of went to Ichiban which is closer, but it does not offer swordfish. I LOVE swordfish and now Chris is a fan too! However, before we had dinner we had to have lunch. We ended up at Olive Garden for their soup and salad. While the Zuppa Toscana is Christopher's favorite, the Chicken & Gnocchi is mine. So creamy and yummy!

After lunch we decided to see a movie. I really wanted to see Black Swan. Even though I told Chris it was more of a psychological movie then a chick flick, he still did not want to see it. So we ended up seeing The Rite. Though it was sort of slow in a lot of parts I thought it was an alright movie. Have to love demons and such! Also...I have a HUGE crush on Anthony Hopkins. He is a very sexy man for being 73! Such a talented man even Queen Elizabeth II noticed and knighted him.

Ahhh...dinner was so good. I did not get the name of the man who prepared our food but he was really comical. His voice had me laughing on its own. I don't want to sound rude...but he honestly sounded like the stereotypical gay guy (with an Asian accent!). He prepared my swordfish perfectly though and the whole dinner was rather wonderful. However, there was one thing that was not so great.

We had been seated next to a larger group of people. That really did not bother me until I noticed that the one woman was a complete GRUMP! She did not want to catch the piece of vegetable in her mouth and scoffed at all of those who did. When she received her meal she realized it had been made with garlic. Instead of asking politely if the chef could remake it she threw her fork down and crossed her arms like a child. It was ridiculous. She must have been in her mid 50s but I swear I have seen children as young as 3 behave better than her!

Anyways...after a long day with my love we just wanted to go home and relax. We spent some more quality time together when we got home before going to bed. My year with him had been very good. Sometimes I don't think he really gets me or understands some of the things I like (I can see how that is difficult!), but I can see he tries to accept them. I was happy as I cuddled with him. He said he loved me. Even after a year I still find it difficult to believe he does love me. He often tells me "I love you", but never has he said "I am IN love with you". Perhaps it is just me but I believe there is a difference. Most days I just don't really see it in his eyes.

My problem is that I also live in a romantic dream world. I want a man who writes me poems and stories, makes me little trinkets, and holds me tightly as though afraid to lose me. I want everything besides the white horse. They just cost far too much to maintain haha. I do want a castle though! :P

I can hear the sleet bouncing off the window. That will make me fall asleep rather quickly. Off to dream land...

e Clérambault's

I watched a very interesting French movie today...


À la folie... pas du tout
(He loves me...He loves me not)

Ever since I saw The Davinci Code I have had a small crush on Audrey Tautou.

I swear I am not a erotomanic!!!!

"Though my love is insane
my reason calms the pain in my heart

 
It tells me
to be patient and keep hoping..."

-An erotomaniac confined
for over fifty years

Froid du vent

OY! I cannot believe how cold I am. Alright... yes I can because it appears I am always this cold. Even a corpse is warmer than me I am sure...

Well my body is back to its ol' self again. The aches that pained me have diminished and gone entirely after only a few days. It still troubles me that I do not know what the exact cause was from. Oh wells I guess I should just be happy that I am no longer in pain.

Ugh I have so much I need to do tomorrow. Hand in applications, call the vet, look up grants, etc... I still also have to get homework done. My first day of class was on Monday and it went alright. We just do the silly introductions:

"Hello everyone! My name is Patricia. My major is Graphic Design, and I am taking this class because blah blah...My favorite animal(s) are the Fennec Fox and Swans..."

I honestly do not know why my professor had us state our favorite animal but it did turn out some interesting results. We found out though one girl was working on becoming a journalist she really wanted to be a mortician o.o and also her favorite animal was H.P. Lovecraft's "Cthulhu".

He is sort of cute I guess... :P

Another interesting thing that happened is that I saw a very old friend. My very first friend actually. When I moved up here 9 years ago I left her and my other best friend behind and was very saddened. We were like the Three Musketeers. In the beginning we remained in touch via phone and the occasional visit but eventually it was hard to get a hold of her. Each time I called she was "busy" and so we spoke for just a few minutes. It really hurt me that I had been forgotten. After a year or two of feeling very depressed and alone I sent her a letter explaining how hurt I was. I got a phone call from her a short time later where she explained she was sorry and she loved me and we would always be friends. We scheduled a day to get together and had a great day. Alas, shortly after that I was once again brushed under the rug...

Seeing her there was like a dream. It just did not seem real. She looked at me and her eyes grew wide. "Oh my God" escaped her lips and she hugged me. She was so excited to see me and I was happy to see her as well. However, it felt awkward. As much as I loved her I hated her for making me cry endlessly many times over many years... And now I get to see her every Monday and Wednesday for a few months in which after she will forget all about me again...

"The Three Musketeers"
Us during our one happy year...


Now it is just me...

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Though it seems I have a pencil in my hand everyday, it feels like I have very little to show for. I have so many ideas but I just cannot seem to pick which one I want to get down on paper. There is progress though and as long as I stay positive I will improve and create more!!! However, before that I better finish my homework tehehehe!


Updated work in progress of "Tinsel"...I still have a great deal of shading left to do.

Douleur et l'agonie

My health is really starting to worry me...

Everyday I sleep 10-12 hours when the average person gets 7. When I wake up I feel as though I could go right back to a deep dream filled sleep, but I know there is stuff to be done so I somehow manage to pull myself out of bed.

When I woke up today I swore someone had kicked my ass while I was asleep. It hurt to sit up. My inner thighs, butt, and lower back ached something terrible. It was difficult to get up, to sit, and to even bend over slightly. After a thorough self examination I found no lacerations, bumps, bruises or anything that could have explained why I felt so terrible. Yesterday I had a great day with my dear friend Nick, but I did not do anything that would justify such pain.

Perhaps it is because I sleep on the couch (nah, I am probably dying)? It is far too cold to sleep in the master bedroom (though the queen size bed is by far the most comfortable thing I have ever slept upon!) and so the living room couches is where we fall asleep. I have decided that tonight I will carry extra blankets with me and sleep in the bedroom. Maybe that will help me to feel better. I just hope that I do not feel worse in the morning! OTL

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There is a possibility that I may be getting a second job starting in Febuary. My mother's work is hiring and there is a good chance that I will be hired. Everyone there agrees that my mother is by far the hardest worker there and I am sure they will be excited to have a mini her, haha!

I just hope that I do get this job and that it works well with my school and current work schedule. With two jobs and school there will not be much time for a "life". Not like I have one anyway. I just sit in this cold lonely house most days...

Ah wells...
Work first, play later.

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"Tinsel"
A W.I.P of my friends original character.

Chiffon

As of last year sometime I have been a part of a group called Sword Tag. Sword Tag is a Venture Crew sponsored by the Boy Scouts of America. We participate in mock medieval combat, making of weapons and armor, camping, community service, and just good old fun. The only downside is that I am the only female in the group. UGH! Haha...anyways the group is pretty complex with levels, ranks, teams, and tournaments.

Just this past week a new team has been made. The Purple/Black team. I was purchased to be a part of the new team! Rather excited because I was not sure if anyone would want me on their team. There is still the initiation I have to go through but once I do that I will be Level 5 already! I think I may become a Priest, that way I can "heal/resurrect" my team members.

Anyways...we were in Allentown again looking for fabric to make the team flag. Haha...well Joanne's did not have the selection of purple I was expecting. Took an hour and a half to find a decent fabric and it is still not the best. It will do however for the team flag.

Though I do not have a vast knowledge of armor and its construction I am trying to draw up designs for my own. However, I want to make the piece look feminine and Chris says that removes all practicality of the armor. I cannot win haha...

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Trying to focus more on my art. A lot of things have been bothering me lately and I am not sure what else to do. So...I will doodle until the sunrises and until I figure out what it is I can do...

L'homme de la musique

Though the nights have been cold since the new year, the days have been good to me. Tonight I helped tear apart an old set for the Zion Opera Workshop (ZOW). I really wanted to help out last year with stage crew but my work got in the way. Alas, that will be the same for this year, but I still have two more weeks before school gets in the way. So at 7 Chris and I were off to the gorgeous church for the first work session.

As we began ripping apart the very mattress used in last years "Once Upon a Mattress" I wondered how people could do this every year. So many hours are spent planning and building only to be used for three nights at most and then to be demolished! Each year the backdrop has to be repainted. My arms ache from painting over the castle backdrop. I used a very long painting pole thingy (haha) because I am too afraid of the old ladders. Of course I got paint all over my one paints leg...That is what I get for being TOO careful. A bigger mess just happens!

Now I wonder what it is that they will paint for "The Music Man"? Though I wont be able to help out with the scene changes I will at least be able to design the poster/play bill cover! I made the one for "Once Upon a Mattress" but I was not very pleased with the design. Chris's cousin (one of the directors) liked it though. Before I get to the new one I will have to do research. Not sure what TMM is about. I believe someone told me it is about a man who pretends to be musically inclined. Will have to find out. That is what the wonderful Google is for!

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I am really trying to be more productive with my art for this year. Started working on two pieces since the new year began. The first is a redrawing of a girl I drew years ago. I wanted to see how much I improved. So far the lines are cleaner and the anatomy is slightly better but I am a bit disappointed in the lack of improvement. Drawing was something I did everyday in my childhood, but the past couple of years I have not drawn as much. That is going to change! Starting with this redrawing. As always I am having issues with the one hand. I imagine I will be finished with her tomorrow so she can enjoy her new home on Deviantart. (Going to redraw this image:)
(Circa 2003?)
The second little project I am working on is painting "kawaii" things onto a blue tank top. I am annoyed with the lack of cute stuff I own so I figure I would make my own shirt to wear. Acrylic paints will be used. Hopefully they will work the same as fabric paints. I tend to get acrylic on my cloths often and it does not come out so I think it will work haha. Kitties, bunnies, clouds, sushi, bows, and cupcakes are only a few of the moe things I plan on painting <3

Really want to learn how to sew as well. There are so many dresses/gowns that I would love to make for Sword Tag and the Renaissance Fair. They are so expensive to buy but if I knew how to sew I could get a dress for cheaper and exactly how I want it. The sewing machine is my enemy though...Whenever I have the money lying around (hahaha :( ) I plan on taking a sewing/clothing construction course at Baum. Sadly I do not think that will happen this year...