livre de comptes

It snowed today, yay! Haha of course it did not snow on Christmas day but it was nice to receive a little bit of that lovely white stuff today instead. Chester rolled around in it and it was cute to see his tiny prints all over the yard. Once there is enough snow on the ground I will throw snow balls at him. Don't worry, he loves to catch them!

Anyways...

Had a very nice day prancing around to my boyfriend's relatives. Everyone is so sweet and kind. They always act as though they have known me for years upon years! It made me blush at first but I surprised myself by actually becoming quite comfortable around everyone. So many hugs and laughter everywhere. It felt nice to be a part of that. Haha and everyone tried feeding me and giving me wine!

There was a month old baby at my boyfriend's grandmother's house. He was so cute and everyone held him. I wanted to hold him but I was too scared. Eventually someone asked me and stupidly I blurted out "Eh....sure I guess." DOH! I blushed after saying that but was excited to hold him. He fell asleep in my arms. So warm and so small. I really cannot wait to have a little one of my own....haha on second thought yes I can!

My heart gave me lots of canvas for Christmas! I am really rather excited. Not sure yet what I want to do with it but I might continue drawing my "Odd Bird Ballerinas". I always wanted to make it into a series but never got around to it. I also received an I Ching set and an instructional book for Japanese Calligraphy! Rather excited to delve into those as well.

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Today we traveled to Allentown and went to Chili's for lunch. Normally I get a Chicken Quesadilla there but today I got the Cajun Chicken Pasta. It was so good! A whole bunch of us from Sword Tag often get together and venture out there every couple of weeks (most often for birthdays). The waitress was rather jumpy and distractable and kept saying "Haha excuse me guys but yesterday was Christmas..." Still she was nice and made us laugh.

After our lunch (which made my tummy very happy) we headed to Borders. Due to the fact that I have to pay for school and buy a car I really should not spend any money...but I just had to have new books! Books are not really a waste are they? I mean...I will keep them for a long time and they often make you more knowledgeable. Plus the one was only $5.99!

The first book I purchased is a lovely book of natural remedies.

I really do NOT like taking most types of medications. Even if I have a splitting headache I will often refuse to swallow ibuprofen, tylonol, and so on. So I thought I would pick up this book for help with common ailments and the like. It was only $9.99!

The next book I picked up is lovely big thing! Though I have various books on the Craft, you can NEVER have enough. My collection is still rather small and I just want it to grow and grow! Most of these books go for $20.00 or more...this is the one I got for $5.99!

There is over 500 pages of terms that are new and old to me. There are a few interesting pictures and plenty of other things I am sure. Certainly I shall learn a great deal from these books.

A frown appeared on my face as we were leaving the book store. There were sooooo many other books that I wanted to purchase but my pocket book would not allow me to do so. *SIGH* Perhaps one day I will be rich and I can buy an entire bookstore! (heh yeah...)

Nu

The Sphynx (hairless)

I want one so badly! Though I do believe they cost a pretty penny...

Poupées

Tonight I saw a very interesting horror film called "Dolls" (1987). It is about a group of people who discover a mansion when they are trying to get out of a storm. What they find are two magical doll makers and their vast haunted collection of dolls.


I don't know why but I seem to be falling in love with older horror films. "Fright Night" was my favorite for a while but "Dolls" has even topped that. Most sites have given the movie a 6 out of 10. I find that to be absurd! The two protagonists were so lovable, especially Ralph <3 Perhaps I just like the movie because it talks about how wonderful it is to be a child and how adults tend to lose imagination and turn out to be miserable. I don't so much believe the later of the two but it is so much more enjoyable to be a kid <3

Heh and my childish Immature Moment will happen in 3...2...1... The french word "Poupées" (dolls) is pronounced "poopy" :)

Résolution

The New Year is almost here. Its sort of hard to believe really. The past five years of my life have really flown by, but this year I practically blinked and it was over. So much has happened this year. The first big event was a new relationship. On the 30th of January 2011 that relationship will reach its one year mark! I really cannot believe it.

As of April of this past year I have been free of the sociopathic fuck know as my stepfather. He is such a terrible man and I don't know how I survived 16 years of his abuse. I have never and will never meet someone who lies more than that man. His lies do not even create gain for him. He does it just because he can. He lied to my mother, me, and his own blind and disabled brother.

Everyday he spun a new tale. It made me want to puke. I would of done anything for him and I did. I was his slave, not his child. My younger sister was the favorite and I was "the crazy bitch who no one wants to marry". There was nothing I could do or say when she received nice things and I did not. Human nature caused me to become jealous and upset. Now she smokes, drinks, and stays out all hours of the night like most teenagers. I never did any of that and yet I was such a terrible child. I will never understand it... He called me pathetic but I could see right through him and he knew it. That is why he was my oppressor and not my father. I thought I would never know hatred...but what I feel is even beyond loathing.

He is no longer physically here to depress me but the wounds are fresh and they will never heal..
I will be haunted for all eternity...

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My art has progressed slightly. It has slowly been evolving and this makes me happy. Normally change frightens the hell out of me but this is rather exciting. I just have to keep practicing and drawing everyday. I cannot wait to try oil paints but I would like to have some direction from a professor before proceeding. Ugh...but paint is sooo expensive!

It saddens me that I have not made really any new close friends this year. I wish I could find a GIRL who I can be friends with. There are a few guys I hangout with but I just feel so queer that I do not have a single friend that is a girl and I am a girl myself! Not sure why that is. I have had them in the past but they just seem to drift away... Only having guy friends is difficult. Its difficult to go to them when you have relationship issues. Sometimes they get mad or saddened by you. That happened today. I made a great friend angry due to my stupidity and ignorance. Its his birthday today too. I feel crummy...

This year is almost over and I will do everything to make it better. My Mother and Father shall guide me...

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May the New Year be better than this past year...for everyone.

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New Year's Resolution(s)

1. Draw/write more
2. Study Japanese at least twice a week for 2 hours each session
3. Take my other studies more seriously
4. Be a better friend
5. Be more positive
6. Enjoy life more and try new things
7. Try to forget some of my fears
8. Help others
9. Become more organized (haha outlook not good...)
10. Get closer to the Goddess and God

Cheers to a new year and another chance at trying to get things right!
(A tad early yes...but I was in the mood to write now...)

UGH...

I need ... newness..
I need something new.
I want something new.
Something new needs to happen.

Yet change scares me far more than death...

Béatitude

I cannot be happy because of what I had done three years ago. Happiness was stripped from me because I stole it from another. I deserve this fate and yet it is so difficult to accept...

Rêver de l'hiver

My finished Christmas card. It is not all that great but it was fun to make. I do hope that its future owner likes it. My friend is the girl on the right with the antlers and I am the ball jointed doll wearing the green dress. Heh well its supposed to be me...Done with various watercolors and watercolor pencils.

Now off to start my acrylic painting for my mum for Christmas...

Dès

I have gotten a little farther along with the card... However there is still a long way to go...

Cannot wait to paint it ^_^ I just hope that it is well received.

Holly et les sabots

Here is a WIP of a Christmas card I am making for a special artist friend. Ugh the lines are a bit choppy but once I add paint hopefully it will be harder to see haha. I plan on making a few others but this is the first one I started. I better hurry if I want to send them out in time!

Trouver

Finally...I have returned to The World of Art

De haut en bas

I really do hate feeling so down. Been having a lot of ups and downs lately. Not sure what I am going to do about my next semester of college. It seems like I will have to take a semester or two off so I can buy a car. It is either buy a car or go to school. It would be soooo much easier to get to school if I had my own car though. It would be nice to have aid from my parents. Too bad my father has not taken responsibility for me since I was born and my mother just had to marry a sociopath. Poor mum. I am selfish to want money from her. She deserves more than she has. I wish I could give to her. So I guess I will work towards that car so I can get another/better paying job.

Something that I am happy about however is that I decided to make Christmas cards for some very special people to me. Mostly they are for my artist friends who inspire me and push me to draw and create. I love you guys. So I am very excited. There will be a lot of different mediums I am sure. Watercolors, acrylics, and perhaps some photography. Not a big fan of photography myself ( it is just because I suck). I cannot wait to get to painting. I already have roughs done ^_^

Before I get started I will have to practice with watercolors. I have not used them since early in my senior year. Though that is not so long ago I am sure I am rather rusty. I want to improve improve IMPROVE! So nothing will stop me from practicing. Hopefully this little project of mine will keep my mind off of bad things...

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Quite excited for Turkey Day. I love love LOVE to eat. Just the thought of fillings, warm rolls, and cranberry sauce has my mouth watering. I plan to eat for a straight week. If only I can hibernate afterwords haha.

*SHIVERS* It is kinda cold in here. Haha okay I am always cold no matter where I am. My poor little frail body just cant handle these chilly nights. I am lucky to have my puppy to keep me warm (and tons of blankets!) My fingers are so chilled. I am surprised I can even type or draw for that matter. Yet I must. Drawing makes me so happy <3 When I draw I can be anywhere I want and do anything that I please...

Hanté

Trapped...stalked...even in my dreams.

Folie

I have gone insane...

Souffrance

Je me déteste...

Larmes

He lays beside me and yet he does not hear me. I have become a master of silent crying...

L'amour et les difficultés

If one has to question whether or not someone really loves them, does that present a problem...?...

Défaite

Every day and every night it seems that I am alone. I spend my mornings and days alone and trapped within unfriendly walls. It is so quiet. Too quiet for my taste. Day to day I see so many people and yet this feeling of exile does not diminish. Friends do not exist for me. My own mother does not even answer my calls. Why is it that I am so easily dismissed?...

The days are drifting by so fast in all of my loneliness. All day I spend my time doodling and dreaming of the most beautiful romance anyone could possibly imagine. It has to be tangible! True love does exist...I can feel it. It is out there. It just seems so far away from me.

There are many things that I need to worry about that are "more important". However, Love and Art is the only thing I want to be able to focus on. I want to have a friend to paint with and lover who makes me feel beautiful in every aspect. I want my lover to kiss me like he needs me and to hold me as if he is scared I will just slip away...I really do not know what to do when it comes to the World of Love.

It seems that I fail at my World of Art too...
It seems that it takes me forever to just finish one decent piece. I create many pieces in between the good ones but they are such CRAP! Currently I have two pieces that I almost have finished. I am proud of both of them and I love them so. However, the one still needs a lot of work on the background and it is giving me some trouble. The other is almost completely finished. I just need to draw one more hand. BUT I HAVE DRAWN IT AT LEAST 20 TIMES ALREADY!!! This always happens. I almost finish a piece and then I just cant do it for some stupid reason...ugh....
I feel so defeated...

Perdu dans mon rêve le monde

Outside I can hear the "pitter patter" of the rain when it hits the roof. The sound of the birds mixes with it to create a peaceful little tune. I wish it was raining harder so I could dance in it. I would not make my way inside until I was soaked to the bone and my face hurt from smiling so much. Alas, I do not think it will rain that hard and the neighbors are always watching. They seem to find me queer, and I find them to be loud, rude, and quite arrogant. Sadly, I almost wonder if I should be more like them. Perhaps then I would not spend my days in this house all alone. However, I would rather have my manners and be open minded then to be judgmental and boisterous.

*Sigh* It seems that I do quite long for my old room. Hundreds of little wooden and paper boxes littered my shelves and drawers. Dried flowers were everywhere and incense forever lingered within those walls. Most of all I miss the cobwebs that hung in the corners of my room. Mother thought it was dirty and gross. I however thought them to be rather charming. There is no place for cobwebs here however. I think it might be time for me to leave this place. Though I love it here at the same time I feel sad and defeated within these walls. I try very hard to please him but whatever I do I cannot please my love. I cannot keep pace with him it seems. Perhaps it was silly to get involved with him. He would do much better without me. Still, he made me smile and got me to be more hopeful. He used to call me beautiful everyday and once he told me he cherished me and was afraid to lose me. His kisses were intense and heartfelt. He was a romantic and a gentleman. I am not sure what happened...He has grown tired and bored of my childishness....

My silliness, laziness, and procrastination frustrate him. Even though I have seen nineteen winters, I still do not feel quite like an adult and I try to avoid somethings that all adults must do. I am scared of a lot of things and for some reason I cannot get rid of those fears. My love has tried to help me but he seems rather insensitive most of the time. He does things so quickly and efficiently. He has so many friends and a loving family that are always around. I have none of that. I just want one friend that I can go to anything with and have them do the same for me without feeling awkward. It does not seem that will happen for me though. I should Learn to be Lonely.




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My awkward fingers just want to draw all day. I spend too much time sleeping and not enough drawing. I have so many ideas stirring inside my head and they need to be freed. I want to share my art, but it is misunderstood or found to be mediocre. Everyone speaks perversions about my pieces. They do not understand. I guess I cannot blame them. My mind is a complicated little thing full of beautiful girls, endless green forests, and eternal magic. People let their dream world die too quickly anymore. It is a shame. I will NOT let mine die!

I must finish "The Rose Eater" tonight. It should have been finish and up in my deviantart days ago, along with "The Lead Magician". They should both be up tonight if I am able to get that old scanner to work...

Les arbres me parlent

The hot evening air kisses my flesh tonight. My legs ache for I have danced until the sun was tired and left the sky for a much needed rest. Smiles, tears, and laughter hit me wave after wave. Weddings are a wonderful thing. I would love to get married one day. I know that day is far away...but how I wish it was not. I need a prince to whisk me away on his copper colored horse into the dewy night. Together we would announce our love among the faeries, chipmunks, and ents. Alas, I do not think I will have such a prince...

However on a better note...I am closer to finishing my drawing for a magical young woman.

tristesse

I do it to myself...

Il n'y a pas d'amour

*sigh*

What a long day it has been. My heart flutters in my chest for I have drawn quite a bit today. Though I have not all that much to show for it, what I have accomplished pleases me! The Goddess has touched my hand today. So has the beautiful young prince (yes, prince), Miss S.Jin. It is her drawing that I have been working so hard on as of yesterday. After gazing upon her art and a few of her stories I could not help but dream up some wonderful ideas filled with lace, roses, girls, and ethereal beauty! I will continue with this drawing into the night. Once it is finished I cannot wait to present it to Miss S.Jin. I also have another piece to upload for another dear friend of mine. I have been working on a piece for a long time and wish to dedicate it to him. Once I have it uploaded I will send the original off to home where I know he will take good care of it. Oh how I will miss it.

As of the past couple of months the only music in which I have been listening to is my classical favorites...and Korean Pop! I cannot quite put my slim white fingers on why I love Kpop so much, but I do! It is so catchy, beautiful, magical even. For many years I used to listen to Japanese Pop, but now Kpop is flooding my ears. How wonderful it is.

Yesterday and today I put a few of my mortar/pestle, boxes, candles, and jars of herbs out. I was worried if it would be okay...but I miss all of my little trinkets so! It has been over two months I think since I came here. Most everything is still in boxes tucked away in a dark corner upstairs. Nothing was said about my stuff, though it was surely seen. I do not think I will put anything else out on display however. At least not for some time.

Off to work on my drawing now. Oh, I will reveal a little secret. The title of the piece is...
The Rose Eater

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PS...new Kpop/R&B song I found today. Her voice makes my heart flutter and my elbows ache...

The Fire Burns

The Entwined
(inverted)

It seems that summer is here. No matter what dark corner I find, the heat finds me. More than anything I want to draw...but my hands are too moist to even hold my pencil straight and strong. A certain young lady has inspired me to create a piece. The image is in my mind and I know I will not lose it...but I need to draw it now!!! Once I am finished I will present it to this young woman and hopefully she will like it. Perhaps I will attempt to draw it in her artistic style. It is quite different from my own...though I am not sure I have even developed a style of my own yet :(

Meh...I still need to find a second job. Sometimes...well most of the time...I just wish I could sit under the night sky and draw by candle light. I shall converse with the crickets and the fairies and be quite at peace with myself. It would be nice to have a friend to share the experience with however that situation is still not looking all that good for me. No longer can my imaginary friends suffice. They disappeared years ago and I am not sure how I made it this far without any real friends. It is for certain that I am need of a real friend. One with flesh, fears, dreams, and exceptional beauty. I am not talking necessarily about appearances but more of the inner beauty in which I can pull my inspiration from. I need a muse...and soon...or I shall feel that my heart is broken and my mind is lost...

Late Nights and The Lead Magician

It is quiet here within these walls and I lay awake working on a drawing that I so desire to finish soon...though I want it to be perfect!

In October of 2009 I had this AMAZINGLY realistic dream. When I woke up I was able to recall smells and my fingers could still feel the things in which I touched. I was compelled to write down as much of it as I could remember lest I forget everything. After rereading what I had written, it began to form a bit of a short story. So if there is anyone out there that stumbles upon my page, I hope that they find this story/dream entertaining. My drawing of it will hopefully be finished within days......

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My dream began with my walking around in the really dark store. At first I could not make out what was in the store until my eyes adjusted and I heard noises of animals. The smell of death was in the air, and when I looked into the cages most of the animals were dead. The ones that were still alive were eating the bodies of the dead.

Eventually I decided I had seen enough and I found a door that led outside. That door took me out into what looked like a large city. It was loud with traffic even though it was late at night. The alley in which I entered was quite dark and I grew a bit uneasy, so I began to walk out of it. As I drew closer to the corner I heard footsteps behind me, so I turned to see a shadow that was far away but still too close for comfort. My pace quickened and as I made it around the corner I heard the shadow start to run after. Now extremely frightened, I begin to run. Whoever is chasing me is so close now. Finally, somehow I make it to a door and it is unlocked. I run in and just as I cross the threshold, I feel fingers brush my hair.

My heart is about to beat out of my chest at this moment. I can see the person behind the door. He is a wild looking man and his hand is pressed against the pane of glass. He shakes his head before stepping off the porch with an evil grin upon his lips.

I sink into a chair as tears pour down my face. In the darkness I here a voice call out to me. "No need to cry. Everything is alright now" (says a man who sounds almost exactly like the original Frankenstein from the Death Race movie...SEXY!)

Completely unaware there was anyone in that room, I look across from me to the couch. I find what appears to be a tall and well built man sitting there. However he is wearing a mask and his attire is unusual. His pants are black and tight against him and his large hands are hidden inside white gloves. The shirt he wears is silky and purple in color with white ruffles below the neck.

"Can I get you anything?" he asks me. "Water? Food? A place to rest? A good book...I have many of them..."

"Um h-how about the most... nutritious of all those?" I manage to stammer.

"Breakfast it is!!!" he says as he rises from the couch.

Even with his large size he makes not a sound as he pulls himself away from his seat and moves to the fireplace. He placed a few pieces of wood on top of the old embers. I heard him grimace in pain as he clutched his arm.

"Are you alright?" I asked my new friend with my still shaking voice.

"Hmm? Yes, I am well!" he said with what I am sure was a smile behind that mask. "Could you hand me some lead over there, Star?"

"You know my name? That is not fair for I do not know yours. How do you know my name?" I said as I got up from my seat and grabbed a piece of heavy shiny material and handed it to the man.

He chuckled to himself and broke the lead into smaller pieces quite easily and through them onto the wood. He turned towards me and snapped his fingers. Almost immediately a fire appeared in the fireplace.

I was in awe and hardly noticed that he was now standing just inches away from me. I snapped out of it when I felt the warmth of his body radiating towards me. "Well Star, I know a lot about you and many things. I mean look at where I live..."

With the room now containing more light, I looked around. The walls seemed endless and on each wall, were many bookcases. There appeared to be more books then people I have met throughout my entire life. I could get happily lost here I thought. My attention was broken by his voice again...

"Also being a Lead Magician has its perks you know..."

"You still have not told me your name. You have one right?" I pressed.

He seemed to have starred at me for a short time. I was curious as to what his eyes were like behind that mask of his. I bet they were warm and loving. He then turned to look at his books.

"Its lost somewhere within all of these pages. If you find it I will give you something very special to me. No one has ever claimed it for their own before." he said softly and quietly.

"What is it?" I asked anxiously.

"My heart. I know it is not much, however it is all I have to give."

"Why would you give me your heart and why would I want it?" I blurted out.

He leaned just ever slightly closer to me. He did not say a word but my heart fluttered again. Only it was not in fear of anything. I did want to love this nameless man...

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Sadly this is all that I remember before being woken up to have Life shoved down my throat. I do hope that one day I have this dream again and that it goes further. Luckily, that often happen to me C:

Star Stealing Girl

It seems that the days are going by so fast...and yet so slow. Events that have happened years ago and ones recently have left me in this state. I look out the window and I see the bright sun. I yearn to feel its warmth...and yet when I step outside it grows dark and cold. I have lost a lot of desire to do things, especially with my painting and drawings. I try so hard to paint and draw...but I am never happy with anything. Nothing turns out the way I hoped it would or even remotely close to that...

Other things plague me as well. I do not have a single friend. Not a true friend anyway. When my day is dark and I need someone to talk to, I have no one. Countless faces and names cross my mind...but I know none of those people want to be bothered by my troubles. They wish not to even converse with me on in a normal happy setting...I do not think there is anything particularly wrong or peculiar about me. Perhaps in my almost twenty years I have just grown far too different from my peers. Most people my age seem so ill mannered and dull. It is difficult to want to interact with them, yet I still try and I am sure I am open minded when it comes to meeting new people. I just do not want to be alone any longer...yet it seems that I will be that way for sometime yet. I have so much love I am willing to give. It is a beautiful love that is free, eternal, and true. Still it seems that no one wants my friendship...

Ugh...

I do feel better now though. Hopefully my next posts will be more cheerful. My spirits do rise with the thought of me learning how to sew. Next semester I wish to take a sewing class. I do not have much money to dress as I please...and not many stores sell what I like around her anyways. However, if I learn to sew I will be able to make lots of pretty things for myself and maybe even for others.

In a few hours I will sleep and a new day will begin. Hopefully my morning tea will warm my heart and make they day go a little better. I do not like being this way...