The New Year is almost here. Its sort of hard to believe really. The past five years of my life have really flown by, but this year I practically blinked and it was over. So much has happened this year. The first big event was a new relationship. On the 30th of January 2011 that relationship will reach its one year mark! I really cannot believe it.
As of April of this past year I have been free of the sociopathic fuck know as my stepfather. He is such a terrible man and I don't know how I survived 16 years of his abuse. I have never and will never meet someone who lies more than that man. His lies do not even create gain for him. He does it just because he can. He lied to my mother, me, and his own blind and disabled brother.
Everyday he spun a new tale. It made me want to puke. I would of done anything for him and I did. I was his slave, not his child. My younger sister was the favorite and I was "the crazy bitch who no one wants to marry". There was nothing I could do or say when she received nice things and I did not. Human nature caused me to become jealous and upset. Now she smokes, drinks, and stays out all hours of the night like most teenagers. I never did any of that and yet I was such a terrible child. I will never understand it... He called me pathetic but I could see right through him and he knew it. That is why he was my oppressor and not my father. I thought I would never know hatred...but what I feel is even beyond loathing.
He is no longer physically here to depress me but the wounds are fresh and they will never heal..
I will be haunted for all eternity...
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My art has progressed slightly. It has slowly been evolving and this makes me happy. Normally change frightens the hell out of me but this is rather exciting. I just have to keep practicing and drawing everyday. I cannot wait to try oil paints but I would like to have some direction from a professor before proceeding. Ugh...but paint is sooo expensive!
It saddens me that I have not made really any new close friends this year. I wish I could find a GIRL who I can be friends with. There are a few guys I hangout with but I just feel so queer that I do not have a single friend that is a girl and I am a girl myself! Not sure why that is. I have had them in the past but they just seem to drift away... Only having guy friends is difficult. Its difficult to go to them when you have relationship issues. Sometimes they get mad or saddened by you. That happened today. I made a great friend angry due to my stupidity and ignorance. Its his birthday today too. I feel crummy...
This year is almost over and I will do everything to make it better. My Mother and Father shall guide me...
****************************************************
May the New Year be better than this past year...for everyone.
*****************************************************
New Year's Resolution(s)
1. Draw/write more
2. Study Japanese at least twice a week for 2 hours each session
3. Take my other studies more seriously
4. Be a better friend
5. Be more positive
6. Enjoy life more and try new things
7. Try to forget some of my fears
8. Help others
9. Become more organized (haha outlook not good...)
10. Get closer to the Goddess and God
Cheers to a new year and another chance at trying to get things right!
(A tad early yes...but I was in the mood to write now...)
As of April of this past year I have been free of the sociopathic fuck know as my stepfather. He is such a terrible man and I don't know how I survived 16 years of his abuse. I have never and will never meet someone who lies more than that man. His lies do not even create gain for him. He does it just because he can. He lied to my mother, me, and his own blind and disabled brother.
Everyday he spun a new tale. It made me want to puke. I would of done anything for him and I did. I was his slave, not his child. My younger sister was the favorite and I was "the crazy bitch who no one wants to marry". There was nothing I could do or say when she received nice things and I did not. Human nature caused me to become jealous and upset. Now she smokes, drinks, and stays out all hours of the night like most teenagers. I never did any of that and yet I was such a terrible child. I will never understand it... He called me pathetic but I could see right through him and he knew it. That is why he was my oppressor and not my father. I thought I would never know hatred...but what I feel is even beyond loathing.
He is no longer physically here to depress me but the wounds are fresh and they will never heal..
I will be haunted for all eternity...
***************************************************
My art has progressed slightly. It has slowly been evolving and this makes me happy. Normally change frightens the hell out of me but this is rather exciting. I just have to keep practicing and drawing everyday. I cannot wait to try oil paints but I would like to have some direction from a professor before proceeding. Ugh...but paint is sooo expensive!
It saddens me that I have not made really any new close friends this year. I wish I could find a GIRL who I can be friends with. There are a few guys I hangout with but I just feel so queer that I do not have a single friend that is a girl and I am a girl myself! Not sure why that is. I have had them in the past but they just seem to drift away... Only having guy friends is difficult. Its difficult to go to them when you have relationship issues. Sometimes they get mad or saddened by you. That happened today. I made a great friend angry due to my stupidity and ignorance. Its his birthday today too. I feel crummy...
This year is almost over and I will do everything to make it better. My Mother and Father shall guide me...
****************************************************
May the New Year be better than this past year...for everyone.
*****************************************************
New Year's Resolution(s)
1. Draw/write more
2. Study Japanese at least twice a week for 2 hours each session
3. Take my other studies more seriously
4. Be a better friend
5. Be more positive
6. Enjoy life more and try new things
7. Try to forget some of my fears
8. Help others
9. Become more organized (haha outlook not good...)
10. Get closer to the Goddess and God
Cheers to a new year and another chance at trying to get things right!
(A tad early yes...but I was in the mood to write now...)
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