GANGNAM STYLE

I want to marry this man haha

Joli visage

I try to be pretty every once in a while. Sometimes it turns out not so bad..

Mieux? Je ne crois pas...

Things are finally coming together...

I have a good paying job I like...

I have myself a new apartment...

Pretty close to getting a new car...

Found myself a great man...

Yet I still feel so empty. Often feeling alone. Sadness lingers all around me...

Perhaps...

Well...I really do not know...

Anyways...I'll try to be a bit positive. Sort of did a little "art project". Made my own "apartment warming" party invites. The address has been blurred out for privacy issues. It makes the image look icky but you got to do what you go to do...

Crappy blog post = crap

At least I posted something...

Griha Pravesh

My my I am having a horrid time keeping up with this blog. Of course being that I work all the time, rarely do I do anything of interest. That being said, there is never much for me to write about on here. However, some interesting events have transpired.

As of yesterday, I now have my very own apartment!

Looking for a apartment has been really stressful though in reality I was able to find one rather quickly. I thank the gods for my having good credit. It is a miracle that my brain is stable enough to remind me that I have to pay bills on time. Amazingly I have never been late on any of my payments and I hope it stays that way. Yet I do happen to be a "scatterbrain"...

Anyways...here are some piccys of my new 1BR apartment. Mind you the walls have yet to be repainted and I need to do some cleaning. However, all that must wait until the place is inspected...

The deck where I may grow plants and even paint outside on.

The living room. That is my mommy peeking in :)

The kitchen. I like the cute counter and the fact it has
TONS of storage space.

Hallway leading to bathroom and bedroom.

The bathroom needs new lights, that is why it is so dark.
 Did not take a picture of the toilet because who wants to see it?
Also did not take a picture of the tub....needs cleaning..

The bedroom

Huge closet space in the bedroom :3

                            I cannot wait to get in there, get creative, and make everything look nice! 

                                          I shall post later about what else I have been up to.

Jason Wu et de se sentir bleu

WARNING!!!!

This blog post contains annoying rants and depressing things. If you wish not to read about a young woman's sad and stressful life, then do not continue. HOWEVER...if you want to see some pictures you can just scroll down some...

************************************************************************************

Hmm...I really wish that I would post more often but it seems I am either to depressed to do so or I just have nothing of interest to post anyway. Trying to find some brighter stuff to talk about but the past 4 years (especially the last 2) have been very hard to handle.

About a week ago I found out from my younger sister that my mom went "crazy" and called my stepfather who she has not spoken to in a year because of legal issues and the fact that the man is pure evil. However, she apperently called him and left an insane voicemail of how she was going to kill herself. And she did try...

Yes, attempting suicide is terrible, but what is even worse is that I did not find out until days after the incident happened. I asked my sister if she had heard from mum, and she told me the whole story without batting and eyelash and talking as though we were discussing the weather!

THAT IS RIDICULOUS!

I imagine my sister is no longer fazed by the stuff my mother does, because she has always been very emotional and tends to do extreme things. What I don't understand is that no one in my family thought it would be a good idea to let me know. Alas, I guess it does not matter because the last thing my sister told me was that our mother does not care about us. My mother literally said that to my sister. I tried to play it off that it was not true. Yet tears streamed down my face right in the middle of my shift at work.

I feel so embarrassed, lonely, and pathetic when people at work ask me how my mother is (we work together and she has been out for awhile due to surgery). I rarely get to talk to her so I never know how she is doing. I always just lie and tell everyone she is fine. But I know she is not fine. I just wish I knew how to help her.

A few days ago I had happened to meet my mother. She said she wanted to get together for lunch because she had not seen me for awhile. She did not mention her accident, nor did I. I was excited. But when I got there we just sat in the parking lot for about 15 minutes and then she had to leave. I realized then that she was only interested in getting the $220 I owed her...My brain literally melted and my heart froze. I don't even remember how I got home.

**********************************************

"Home"

Now that is another story. Living here with my boyfriends family has been really hard. Being that they are Spanish I find it difficult to communicate and the culture to be different and not really me. I spend a lot of time cleaning or sulking in the house. I am normally doing one or the other. Mostly I sulk because the house always gets dirtied by the young boys right after I am done cleaning it. It drives me insane! I cannot focus on things and I become so stressed out living in a messy environment. My hair has even started to fall out! Still ...I do not know what to do. The children just are not disciplined enough.

I wish there was somewhere else I could go, but I have no family or friends that want me. At this point I am not even sure I would be able to be someones roommate. I am just fed up with having to deal with other people and their messes. The only thing I can do at this point is to work as hard as I can to get my own place. My beloved has started his new job today and so we will be able to reach that goal sooner with two decent incomes. Soon soon I must leave here or I feel I will surely have a breakdown. Lord and Lady knows how close I was to that last night...

BUT...

I have a little activity that helps me cope with things. I just hope that it does not get out of hand. Can you guess what that activity could be? If you guessed shopping, then you are correct! Hmmm..it seems I have a weakness for cute clothes and anything fashion related. Lately I have been trying to appear more feminine to make myself feel better. Normally I am just so lazy to do anything that I end up looking plain and boyish. I do not feel beautiful like that. So...I picked up some pieces from the lovely and adorable Jason Wu Collection. Excuse the poor photo quality...:

(Aqua Cardigan that I love)

(Pretty Jason Wu blouse. However it wrinkles easily :( )

(Adorable pleated skirt. It goes down just over my knees. I am too shy to wear anything too mini, but I might get some slightly shorter skirts later on.)

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST!... :

I painted my nails today. Even attempted to glue little jewels on. Hope they don't fall off...

(My fingers look fat and stubby here. My nails look short too :( )

Okay okay... I am finally done complaining. I feel better now :) Sorry you had to deal with all that crap haha.

I hope everyone is well.

Que faire? Qu'est-ce à dire?

Ooooh how I love my days off from work!

Today my love and I went on a movie date. We saw the latest Underworld movie. Who can pass up sexy vampires slashing out the throats of their enemies? I know I cannot! I wonder who enjoyed seeing Kate Beckinsale in latex more, Brian or myself? Probably me. I do so have a thing for Kate! Oooh la la!!!! <3

Later I visited my friends at Sword Tag. As always they were working on chain mail and I was busy kneading clay between my fingers. Never really been good at making link with the chain mail. I never close them properly and that can ruin a whole suit if not caught! So I just try to stay productive with other things. Once I have the money laying around, Chris plans on showing me how to work with leather. I cannot wait to make my own pauldron!

Not really much else to say. Don't really feel like writing all that much tonight. Going to do my taxes now I guess (yay!......). Anyways here are some pictures of the finished necklaces I made more my Norse brothers.

("Teeth" and beads before baking)

(Necklace for the leader of my team. I put another tooth on each end. I thought ten teeth in total looked far more appealing.)

I hope all is well with everyone :)

Je vois Dieu en vous

There has been so much darkness as of late. I have been having money troubles, school troubles, and my mother does not wish to bother with me anymore. Yet in this darkness I have found light, hope, and love. Mostly it is from my dearest Brian...but also another unexpected source...

Hindi Films!

As of late I have been really into watching Foreign Films, especially Drama/Romance ones. Originally I was watching tons and tons of Korean ones, but most of them always seem to end on a sad note, so I stopped watching them for awhile so that I do not throw myself farther into darkness. Luckily I have found more uplifting and beautiful stories from Bollywood. One in particular has caught my fancy.

Rab Na Bana di Jodi

(A Match Made In Heaven)

In the movie Surinder Sahni, a 40 year old mild-mannered and nerdy office worker, falls for the young and free spirited Taani. She causes him to transform into the loud and fun-loving "Raj" in order to win her heart.

The whole story is simply beautiful and Shahrukh Khan plays both Surinder and Raj beautiful. The movie makes me cry every time I watch it and the music/singing is stupendous! The only downside is that these Bollywood films are almost 3 hours long! I highly recommend this movie however! YOU MUST WATCH IT!

***********************************************

Since watching these foreign films I realized I have such a huge love for Language. I plan on learning Spanish (for my bf's family), Japanese, and now the Hindi language. The Hindi language sounds so beautiful when sung and it makes my heart warm whenever I hear it.

I thought about getting into Linguistics to better understand how these languages work, but I imagine the only thing I could do with that degree is to teach. There is no way I could do that! I do not have it in my. I am too shy. Cannot speak well in front of large crowds. Nor do I have the patience for ill-behaved students. Haha...so I will just stick to learning these languages as best as I can, though I really only wish to be able to sing in these languages. It does help to know what it is you are saying/singing though :P

"Tujh mein rab dikhta hai
Yaara mein kya karu"

"I see god in you,

I don't know what to do"

<3

En regardant vers le ciel

A little time has passed since I posted my last blog. As of late I have mostly just been working. My sleep schedule is really getting messed up from those 3-11 shifts. I end up sleeping until noon most days and feel so disgusted with myself for wasting an entire morning. Has also been hard to stick to my diet when I sleep through breakfast every day. *sigh* I really just have to figure out a better schedule for myself and cut back on my sleep. They say you should try to get as much sleep as possible...but I think I might be sleeping far too much!

I have also been a bit more artsy as of late!!!! Finally getting back to my old ways, slowly but surely. The past week I have been working on making "wolf teeth" out of Super Sculpey. About two years ago I joined a sort of LARP group and my team (Purple) has chosen Norse/Viking culture. Our symbol is the wolf and I wanted to make pendants for each of my team members. So far they are turning out pretty good. I was worried that I would make them too feminine, but the guys seemed excited when I showed them some WIP pictures. You can find one below. I need to add another tooth to the other side:

The Lord of my team will have five teeth on each side of his pendant. My crappy photo here does not show it, but there is actually a tiny purple jewel embedded into each tooth. I still have a lot more teeth to do but they are so fun to shape, bake, and paint. The Super Sculpey is easy to mold, easy to bake, and no where near as messy as other types of clay. OH! The best thing of all is that it does not dry out until you bake it! Which is wonderful because it is a wee bit expensive at $14.00 per lb.

I am happy that I decided to buy some and try it out. Since I have been having a HUGE artist block with my drawing/painting, this has at least been keeping me somewhat creative. I hope that this break from my normal style will help me get back to work.

Hmm...that seems to be it for right now. Either going to go back to sculpting some "teeth" or going to paint the outline that has been sitting here for a couple weeks now teehee.

Les jours passent

My my the days are flying by! Already we are finished with the first week of January. It is a little scary, for last year seemed to have gone by so quickly and it appears that this year may do the same. However, this year is going to be better than the last. Already I have been exercising and working on a new diet for myself. It is not the sort of diet to lose weight, mind you. Being around 5'6" and 125 lbs I feel that I could gain a wee bit weight yet. No, the diet that I am working on incorporating into my daily life is for my skin.

Halfway through my sixth grade year I was diagnosed with Psoriasis. This skin disorder is both unsightly and sometimes painful. Though my case is not severe by any means, it is hard being a young woman with this disease. Right now I am at the time of my life when I am my most beautiful. However, it is hard to be confident with scaly patches on your face, chest, back, and arms.

Over the years I had used various soaps, lotions, and creams to try to rid me of this ugly disorder, to no avail. A couple of years ago I started getting injections every two weeks. Within a couple months my skin was entirely clear!!! However, the shots were excruciating. The thin needle itself was painless, but the liquid entering my bloodstream would burn so much that I'd clench my fists until my knuckles were as white as snow. I have been off of that drug for some time now and my lesions have returned. No longer do I want to experiencing the pain of that drug nor do I want to experience the pain of thinking myself to be ugly. I wanted a more natural solution to my problem. My wonderful and supportive boyfriend helped me find one!

Dr. Pagano's "Healing Psoriasis" is a natural solution to ridding oneself of Psoriasis, through diet. I have read through the book once so far and the results seem promising though I know that it is entirely up to me to obtain good results. In order to follow this regimen I will have to change my entire diet. It requires that all red meat be eradicated from what I eat. Also, I am not allowed to eat tomatoes or potatoes. There are other things I have to eliminate as well, but I do not think it will be too hard to do once I understand all the rules. There is also tons of stuff that I need to start consuming. Tons of vitamins and special herbal teas. Most importantly I will be taking in a lot more fruits and vegetables. So even if I do not get good results with my skin (I am almost positive I will be clear within a few months), I know I will at least be eating a lot healthier! Thus I will have more energy and be happier, too.

*******************************************

Ps. I am drawing more too so far this year. I will have something to post in a couple of days, even though it is a bit rough. Really need to get back into the swing of things...

En regardant en arrière à la recherche avance

What changes will this year bring along with it? I can only hope that it brings happiness, peace, and success. Of course a lot of that depends on me to come true. Now I am DETERMINED to make this year better than last. There are so many things that saddened me last year but there are some great things that happened too. Here is a quick recap:

1. Ended a long relationship

2. Moved in with my mother

3. Started a new relationship<3

4. Got my license and a car (finally)

5. Mother kicked me and little sister out...

6. Moved into my boyfriends families place

7. Failed at producing art...

8. Got a new job after 5 years :D

9. Lost touch with a lot of people...

10. Became less frightened and more of a "go-getter"

Last year was a pretty depressing year for me but I have decided to not let that stop me. It is hard for me to believe that I am already one and twenty. The minutes, days, and months just seem to have blended into each other and low and behold a new year is here! My time is precious and you never really know how much of it you really have, so I do not want to waste it being sad or hating myself. Here is what I hope to achieve this year:

1. A healthier diet and outlook
2. Be able to go back to college
3. Be able to move into my own apartment
4. Draw/create more
5. Work on my fear of driving to new places
6. Working harder towards everything I do
7. To be a better friend

8. To read more

9. To write more

10. To grow closer to the Goddess and God

Hmm...a lot of the things on that last were things that I wanted to do last year, that I didn't quite get around to doing...

Things will be different this year! I understand now that I hold the key to my happiness and after all these years of being hurt and punishing myself I think I deserve to be free and enjoy life. We all do really. So I am going to stand up taller and smile and not let my worst enemy hold me down any longer...myself.

"So, everything that makes me whole

I'll give to you now

...

I'm yours..."