Où avez-vous disparu?

Fall has finally arrived but it seems like it is leaving so suddenly as well. The leaves never got a chance to become the beautiful reds, oranges, and yellows that I remember them to be. I awoke to them having browned and fallen. Even the season air is more like winter than fall here. The bitter wind chills and aches your bones and leaves my fingers numb. Each morning I also smell the frost hanging in the air. These things I do so love, but they have come far too early for my liking...

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Months...maybe even a year has passed since I have produced any decent art. It really dampens my spirits even more which is no good because that is the reason I have not been able to draw/paint anything. It would perhaps be easier if I had my own place, work space, and quiet time. However, I am not sure when I will have those things. I am trying to save my money but it is so hard when I have so many things to worry about and not sure which is most important.

Things to save for:

1. Own apartment

2. Next college semester

3. Fix car or get a new one

UGH! Then there is also the holiday season coming up AND tons of birthdays. My family expects to get nice presents to. No one knows what "quality family time" is anymore. It is just "I want this so get me it or I won't talk to you for awhile". It is the worst feeling in the world knowing you cannot get everything you want to get your family. But they expect nothing less.

I used to love this time of year. The food, music, decorations, and overall atmosphere. Now all I feel in the air is greed, disappointment, restlessness, and unhappiness. It would be wonderful to remove that but I just do not know how to do so with the type of "family" I have. They have not really spoken to me much though in the past year and a half so perhaps it will be a quite Christmas after all...

Hmm...I almost forgot that it is my birthday on the 14th. I will be one and twenty then. I guess most young people are excited for that day. Since I do not drink it seems like just a regular day to me. My boyfriend wants to see me drunk however. He plans on getting this very strong Colombian alcohol for me to try. I think I will try it but I really do not plan on getting drunk. This will disappoint him. It scares me though. I have heard too many horror stories to want to do that. Could someone tell me what is so fun about waking up with a massive headache and not be able to remember the previous nights events? I would rather not indulge in that, thank you.

On my birthday my boyfriend will be at work until late into the evening so I will have most of my day to myself. I am going to try to draw something within that free time. Having not drawn anything has been making me feel so broken. I must draw something even if it is later than sooner for it feels as though it is slowly killing me...