livre de comptes

It snowed today, yay! Haha of course it did not snow on Christmas day but it was nice to receive a little bit of that lovely white stuff today instead. Chester rolled around in it and it was cute to see his tiny prints all over the yard. Once there is enough snow on the ground I will throw snow balls at him. Don't worry, he loves to catch them!

Anyways...

Had a very nice day prancing around to my boyfriend's relatives. Everyone is so sweet and kind. They always act as though they have known me for years upon years! It made me blush at first but I surprised myself by actually becoming quite comfortable around everyone. So many hugs and laughter everywhere. It felt nice to be a part of that. Haha and everyone tried feeding me and giving me wine!

There was a month old baby at my boyfriend's grandmother's house. He was so cute and everyone held him. I wanted to hold him but I was too scared. Eventually someone asked me and stupidly I blurted out "Eh....sure I guess." DOH! I blushed after saying that but was excited to hold him. He fell asleep in my arms. So warm and so small. I really cannot wait to have a little one of my own....haha on second thought yes I can!

My heart gave me lots of canvas for Christmas! I am really rather excited. Not sure yet what I want to do with it but I might continue drawing my "Odd Bird Ballerinas". I always wanted to make it into a series but never got around to it. I also received an I Ching set and an instructional book for Japanese Calligraphy! Rather excited to delve into those as well.

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Today we traveled to Allentown and went to Chili's for lunch. Normally I get a Chicken Quesadilla there but today I got the Cajun Chicken Pasta. It was so good! A whole bunch of us from Sword Tag often get together and venture out there every couple of weeks (most often for birthdays). The waitress was rather jumpy and distractable and kept saying "Haha excuse me guys but yesterday was Christmas..." Still she was nice and made us laugh.

After our lunch (which made my tummy very happy) we headed to Borders. Due to the fact that I have to pay for school and buy a car I really should not spend any money...but I just had to have new books! Books are not really a waste are they? I mean...I will keep them for a long time and they often make you more knowledgeable. Plus the one was only $5.99!

The first book I purchased is a lovely book of natural remedies.

I really do NOT like taking most types of medications. Even if I have a splitting headache I will often refuse to swallow ibuprofen, tylonol, and so on. So I thought I would pick up this book for help with common ailments and the like. It was only $9.99!

The next book I picked up is lovely big thing! Though I have various books on the Craft, you can NEVER have enough. My collection is still rather small and I just want it to grow and grow! Most of these books go for $20.00 or more...this is the one I got for $5.99!

There is over 500 pages of terms that are new and old to me. There are a few interesting pictures and plenty of other things I am sure. Certainly I shall learn a great deal from these books.

A frown appeared on my face as we were leaving the book store. There were sooooo many other books that I wanted to purchase but my pocket book would not allow me to do so. *SIGH* Perhaps one day I will be rich and I can buy an entire bookstore! (heh yeah...)

Nu

The Sphynx (hairless)

I want one so badly! Though I do believe they cost a pretty penny...

Poupées

Tonight I saw a very interesting horror film called "Dolls" (1987). It is about a group of people who discover a mansion when they are trying to get out of a storm. What they find are two magical doll makers and their vast haunted collection of dolls.


I don't know why but I seem to be falling in love with older horror films. "Fright Night" was my favorite for a while but "Dolls" has even topped that. Most sites have given the movie a 6 out of 10. I find that to be absurd! The two protagonists were so lovable, especially Ralph <3 Perhaps I just like the movie because it talks about how wonderful it is to be a child and how adults tend to lose imagination and turn out to be miserable. I don't so much believe the later of the two but it is so much more enjoyable to be a kid <3

Heh and my childish Immature Moment will happen in 3...2...1... The french word "Poupées" (dolls) is pronounced "poopy" :)

Résolution

The New Year is almost here. Its sort of hard to believe really. The past five years of my life have really flown by, but this year I practically blinked and it was over. So much has happened this year. The first big event was a new relationship. On the 30th of January 2011 that relationship will reach its one year mark! I really cannot believe it.

As of April of this past year I have been free of the sociopathic fuck know as my stepfather. He is such a terrible man and I don't know how I survived 16 years of his abuse. I have never and will never meet someone who lies more than that man. His lies do not even create gain for him. He does it just because he can. He lied to my mother, me, and his own blind and disabled brother.

Everyday he spun a new tale. It made me want to puke. I would of done anything for him and I did. I was his slave, not his child. My younger sister was the favorite and I was "the crazy bitch who no one wants to marry". There was nothing I could do or say when she received nice things and I did not. Human nature caused me to become jealous and upset. Now she smokes, drinks, and stays out all hours of the night like most teenagers. I never did any of that and yet I was such a terrible child. I will never understand it... He called me pathetic but I could see right through him and he knew it. That is why he was my oppressor and not my father. I thought I would never know hatred...but what I feel is even beyond loathing.

He is no longer physically here to depress me but the wounds are fresh and they will never heal..
I will be haunted for all eternity...

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My art has progressed slightly. It has slowly been evolving and this makes me happy. Normally change frightens the hell out of me but this is rather exciting. I just have to keep practicing and drawing everyday. I cannot wait to try oil paints but I would like to have some direction from a professor before proceeding. Ugh...but paint is sooo expensive!

It saddens me that I have not made really any new close friends this year. I wish I could find a GIRL who I can be friends with. There are a few guys I hangout with but I just feel so queer that I do not have a single friend that is a girl and I am a girl myself! Not sure why that is. I have had them in the past but they just seem to drift away... Only having guy friends is difficult. Its difficult to go to them when you have relationship issues. Sometimes they get mad or saddened by you. That happened today. I made a great friend angry due to my stupidity and ignorance. Its his birthday today too. I feel crummy...

This year is almost over and I will do everything to make it better. My Mother and Father shall guide me...

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May the New Year be better than this past year...for everyone.

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New Year's Resolution(s)

1. Draw/write more
2. Study Japanese at least twice a week for 2 hours each session
3. Take my other studies more seriously
4. Be a better friend
5. Be more positive
6. Enjoy life more and try new things
7. Try to forget some of my fears
8. Help others
9. Become more organized (haha outlook not good...)
10. Get closer to the Goddess and God

Cheers to a new year and another chance at trying to get things right!
(A tad early yes...but I was in the mood to write now...)

UGH...

I need ... newness..
I need something new.
I want something new.
Something new needs to happen.

Yet change scares me far more than death...

Béatitude

I cannot be happy because of what I had done three years ago. Happiness was stripped from me because I stole it from another. I deserve this fate and yet it is so difficult to accept...

Rêver de l'hiver

My finished Christmas card. It is not all that great but it was fun to make. I do hope that its future owner likes it. My friend is the girl on the right with the antlers and I am the ball jointed doll wearing the green dress. Heh well its supposed to be me...Done with various watercolors and watercolor pencils.

Now off to start my acrylic painting for my mum for Christmas...