En regardant vers le ciel

A little time has passed since I posted my last blog. As of late I have mostly just been working. My sleep schedule is really getting messed up from those 3-11 shifts. I end up sleeping until noon most days and feel so disgusted with myself for wasting an entire morning. Has also been hard to stick to my diet when I sleep through breakfast every day. *sigh* I really just have to figure out a better schedule for myself and cut back on my sleep. They say you should try to get as much sleep as possible...but I think I might be sleeping far too much!

I have also been a bit more artsy as of late!!!! Finally getting back to my old ways, slowly but surely. The past week I have been working on making "wolf teeth" out of Super Sculpey. About two years ago I joined a sort of LARP group and my team (Purple) has chosen Norse/Viking culture. Our symbol is the wolf and I wanted to make pendants for each of my team members. So far they are turning out pretty good. I was worried that I would make them too feminine, but the guys seemed excited when I showed them some WIP pictures. You can find one below. I need to add another tooth to the other side:

The Lord of my team will have five teeth on each side of his pendant. My crappy photo here does not show it, but there is actually a tiny purple jewel embedded into each tooth. I still have a lot more teeth to do but they are so fun to shape, bake, and paint. The Super Sculpey is easy to mold, easy to bake, and no where near as messy as other types of clay. OH! The best thing of all is that it does not dry out until you bake it! Which is wonderful because it is a wee bit expensive at $14.00 per lb.

I am happy that I decided to buy some and try it out. Since I have been having a HUGE artist block with my drawing/painting, this has at least been keeping me somewhat creative. I hope that this break from my normal style will help me get back to work.

Hmm...that seems to be it for right now. Either going to go back to sculpting some "teeth" or going to paint the outline that has been sitting here for a couple weeks now teehee.

Les jours passent

My my the days are flying by! Already we are finished with the first week of January. It is a little scary, for last year seemed to have gone by so quickly and it appears that this year may do the same. However, this year is going to be better than the last. Already I have been exercising and working on a new diet for myself. It is not the sort of diet to lose weight, mind you. Being around 5'6" and 125 lbs I feel that I could gain a wee bit weight yet. No, the diet that I am working on incorporating into my daily life is for my skin.

Halfway through my sixth grade year I was diagnosed with Psoriasis. This skin disorder is both unsightly and sometimes painful. Though my case is not severe by any means, it is hard being a young woman with this disease. Right now I am at the time of my life when I am my most beautiful. However, it is hard to be confident with scaly patches on your face, chest, back, and arms.

Over the years I had used various soaps, lotions, and creams to try to rid me of this ugly disorder, to no avail. A couple of years ago I started getting injections every two weeks. Within a couple months my skin was entirely clear!!! However, the shots were excruciating. The thin needle itself was painless, but the liquid entering my bloodstream would burn so much that I'd clench my fists until my knuckles were as white as snow. I have been off of that drug for some time now and my lesions have returned. No longer do I want to experiencing the pain of that drug nor do I want to experience the pain of thinking myself to be ugly. I wanted a more natural solution to my problem. My wonderful and supportive boyfriend helped me find one!

Dr. Pagano's "Healing Psoriasis" is a natural solution to ridding oneself of Psoriasis, through diet. I have read through the book once so far and the results seem promising though I know that it is entirely up to me to obtain good results. In order to follow this regimen I will have to change my entire diet. It requires that all red meat be eradicated from what I eat. Also, I am not allowed to eat tomatoes or potatoes. There are other things I have to eliminate as well, but I do not think it will be too hard to do once I understand all the rules. There is also tons of stuff that I need to start consuming. Tons of vitamins and special herbal teas. Most importantly I will be taking in a lot more fruits and vegetables. So even if I do not get good results with my skin (I am almost positive I will be clear within a few months), I know I will at least be eating a lot healthier! Thus I will have more energy and be happier, too.

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Ps. I am drawing more too so far this year. I will have something to post in a couple of days, even though it is a bit rough. Really need to get back into the swing of things...

En regardant en arrière à la recherche avance

What changes will this year bring along with it? I can only hope that it brings happiness, peace, and success. Of course a lot of that depends on me to come true. Now I am DETERMINED to make this year better than last. There are so many things that saddened me last year but there are some great things that happened too. Here is a quick recap:

1. Ended a long relationship

2. Moved in with my mother

3. Started a new relationship<3

4. Got my license and a car (finally)

5. Mother kicked me and little sister out...

6. Moved into my boyfriends families place

7. Failed at producing art...

8. Got a new job after 5 years :D

9. Lost touch with a lot of people...

10. Became less frightened and more of a "go-getter"

Last year was a pretty depressing year for me but I have decided to not let that stop me. It is hard for me to believe that I am already one and twenty. The minutes, days, and months just seem to have blended into each other and low and behold a new year is here! My time is precious and you never really know how much of it you really have, so I do not want to waste it being sad or hating myself. Here is what I hope to achieve this year:

1. A healthier diet and outlook
2. Be able to go back to college
3. Be able to move into my own apartment
4. Draw/create more
5. Work on my fear of driving to new places
6. Working harder towards everything I do
7. To be a better friend

8. To read more

9. To write more

10. To grow closer to the Goddess and God

Hmm...a lot of the things on that last were things that I wanted to do last year, that I didn't quite get around to doing...

Things will be different this year! I understand now that I hold the key to my happiness and after all these years of being hurt and punishing myself I think I deserve to be free and enjoy life. We all do really. So I am going to stand up taller and smile and not let my worst enemy hold me down any longer...myself.

"So, everything that makes me whole

I'll give to you now

...

I'm yours..."

Je souhaite

Pour quitter cet endroit...

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Prizes:
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PS. If I was the lucky girl to get the Forever21 top, I would love to pair it with jean shorts/jean skirt with black leggings and cute ankle booties. You could even throw on a light cardigan over it for on the go!

Où avez-vous disparu?

Fall has finally arrived but it seems like it is leaving so suddenly as well. The leaves never got a chance to become the beautiful reds, oranges, and yellows that I remember them to be. I awoke to them having browned and fallen. Even the season air is more like winter than fall here. The bitter wind chills and aches your bones and leaves my fingers numb. Each morning I also smell the frost hanging in the air. These things I do so love, but they have come far too early for my liking...

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Months...maybe even a year has passed since I have produced any decent art. It really dampens my spirits even more which is no good because that is the reason I have not been able to draw/paint anything. It would perhaps be easier if I had my own place, work space, and quiet time. However, I am not sure when I will have those things. I am trying to save my money but it is so hard when I have so many things to worry about and not sure which is most important.

Things to save for:

1. Own apartment

2. Next college semester

3. Fix car or get a new one

UGH! Then there is also the holiday season coming up AND tons of birthdays. My family expects to get nice presents to. No one knows what "quality family time" is anymore. It is just "I want this so get me it or I won't talk to you for awhile". It is the worst feeling in the world knowing you cannot get everything you want to get your family. But they expect nothing less.

I used to love this time of year. The food, music, decorations, and overall atmosphere. Now all I feel in the air is greed, disappointment, restlessness, and unhappiness. It would be wonderful to remove that but I just do not know how to do so with the type of "family" I have. They have not really spoken to me much though in the past year and a half so perhaps it will be a quite Christmas after all...

Hmm...I almost forgot that it is my birthday on the 14th. I will be one and twenty then. I guess most young people are excited for that day. Since I do not drink it seems like just a regular day to me. My boyfriend wants to see me drunk however. He plans on getting this very strong Colombian alcohol for me to try. I think I will try it but I really do not plan on getting drunk. This will disappoint him. It scares me though. I have heard too many horror stories to want to do that. Could someone tell me what is so fun about waking up with a massive headache and not be able to remember the previous nights events? I would rather not indulge in that, thank you.

On my birthday my boyfriend will be at work until late into the evening so I will have most of my day to myself. I am going to try to draw something within that free time. Having not drawn anything has been making me feel so broken. I must draw something even if it is later than sooner for it feels as though it is slowly killing me...

Un tout est passé

It seems that as soon as I am in the mood to blog at least relatively often, something happens so that I am unable to do so! There is no internet in the house yet and as hard as I try to "borrow" wifi to no avail. Currently I am using a computer in my college library and it is oh so quiet here since it is rather late in the day.

Oh how I love the quiet <3

My love is sitting in front of a computer that is next to mine. He is blogging away just as I am. That is something I am proud to say I have gotten him into. He is quite a good writer and though his entries are private to the world, I am happy he shares them with me. It is a really good feeling to be able to share anything and everything with someone and not feel bad or embarrassed by it. In fact just this morning I had a VERY embarrassing moment (no I shall not share what it was!), and though my love laughed at me I knew it was because somehow in his strange mind he thought I was cute! My cheeks flushed red but soon after the event happened I got to laugh at one of his embarrassing moments. Sadly, I am the one who ends up doing embarrassing stuff all the time hehe...

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Anywho...it is quite interesting living in a house with 10 and 14 year old boys. I have found it quite difficult to sleep for they stay up till perhaps 4 in the morning and are rather loud even when settling in for bed. The 1o year old does care for me a bit and I him. He asks so many question and has the loveliest eye lashes I have ever seen! As for the 14 year old, well it is hard to say what the feelings are there.

He often will not address me and if he does it is normally by "faggot" or some other demeaning term. I understand that at times he is trying to be funny and playful, but other times he is just being plane mean. I believe the reason he picks on me so often is because I have "stolen" his older brother away from him. Before I came along all they had was each other. Now it appears I have thrown a wrench into the gears. I just try to be as nice as I can and hope that one day he will understand things better and treat me more nicely.

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As for my art....what art?!!?!?! UGH V.V I have been unable to draw for sometime now because of lack of a decent table and quite area to draw or paint. I really must save up my pennies to get my own place. Only then will I become focused, calm, and creative.

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May you all be well.